Consultants Declare Sovereignty, Occupy Broadmoor Spa in Brand-Led Uprising at The Gathering

In what one attendee called “a visionary departure and also a cry for help,” a rogue faction of consultants officially broke away from The Gathering early Monday morning, forming a splinter event now known as The Ascension: A Higher Path to Monetized Thought Leadership.

Led by a rotating panel of LinkedIn influencers with no W-2s and several abandoned podcasts, the group has occupied the Broadmoor’s spa level, establishing what appears to be a loosely governed consultant commune. Spa staff say they’ve been locked out since 6:15 AM Monday.

“The Gathering just wasn’t spiritually aligned with our personal brands,” said one Ascension member, who asked to be identified only by his LLC name. “We needed a space to synergize vibrations, optimize funnels, and finally answer the question: What if we’re the product?”

MergeMe, the controversial STRATMOR-backed matchmaking app for struggling IMBs, has quietly soft-launched a “Compound Mode” that lets users opt in to The Ascension lifestyle - pairing them not just with M&A targets, but with a founder spouse, a shared revenue vision, and if desired, a co-authored Amazon book on mortgage innovation.

Outside the spa, concerned Broadmoor staff report Ascension leaders have renamed the eucalyptus steam room “The Monetization Chamber” and are now charging $249 per person for guided revenue visualization and personal brand alignment.

One breakout panel has reportedly declared its intention to remain in Colorado indefinitely, pending a successful group raise on GoFundMe and clearance to legally register as a religion.

“I live in Colorado and attended just to network and to get a rate outlook,” said one anonymous attendee. “Now I’m in a mastermind with four people named Kyle and I can’t find my shoes.”